Female mammals are involved in the daily care and affectionate play with their young. They also engage in grooming of their cubs. The male only has contact with others for breeding purposes. Male mammals fight other males for breeding rights. They only engage with females to mate. Male mammals do not typically raise young. Women tend to gravitate towards men who can provide protection and lifestyle through earnings or status.
Women can be openly affectionate, touching and kissing friends of either sex without any sexual implications. It is much more difficult for men to engage in the same kind of innocent intimacy with others because men typically have sexual motivations when looking for intimacy with others. Women connect emotionally to people for significant periods of time.
Women’s ‘responses’ with a lover are driven by social attitudes. In the past it was considered unseemly for a woman to cooperate with intercourse. The idea that a woman might enjoy the activity put pressure on a man to continue intercourse for longer than he could. This is yet more evidence that women’s responses with a lover involve conscious behaviours rather than spontaneous sexual responses. No one can suppress responsiveness.
We know that women are not easy to get into bed because of men’s ego over achieving the same. If every woman always wanted sex, then it would never be a male conquest. This is a fundamental aspect of male sexuality that sex is achieved by the (romantic and pleasuring) skills of the male. Hence why men attribute female orgasm to their own sexual prowess.
Men typically pay for dates. Women usually want something in exchange for offering sex. Sex does not provide women with either arousal or emotionally fulfilment, so women feel used. Some women assume that a man will love them if they offer sex but men don’t necessarily connect sex with love. There are many rude words for a promiscuous woman. Other women know that a woman has conscious control over her sexual choices.
A woman hopes to spend significant amounts of time with a lover. In a new relationship, a woman feels good being with them. She enjoys the novelty of being admired through sex. When we care about another person, we have their interests at heart. We make effort for them and we consider their feelings. We feel valued when they give us what we need emotionally.
The sudden increase in responsiveness that boys experience during adolescences changes their attitude towards genitals and sexual activity. Teenage boys develop an interest in their own genitals because of the pleasure of their own arousal. They are also fascinated with the genitals of people they are attracted to and with opportunities for penetrative sex. Girls do not experience this increase sudden in responsiveness, so genitals and sexual activity remain relatively unappealing much as they are to children.
Most girls do not experience responsiveness. Those women who are responsive, do not respond to the same erotic scenarios that men do. Women are not aroused by genitals and sexual opportunities. Women continue to think of genitals as smelly and ‘dirty’ because they are associated with going to the toilet or their periods. The vagina is a moist orifice similar to the mouth. If a man puts his penis in her mouth, a woman expects him to wash it first. If he puts his penis in her vagina, she has little interest in his genital hygiene. The vagina is out of sight and out of mind.
A woman’s top concern on having sex for the first time is not her own orgasm but that a man should care about her as a person. Young women may vaguely hope that a partner can magic one up for them. But this is just because of the fiction spread by men in the hope of encouraging women to engage in intercourse. Less responsive individuals may enjoy using their bodies to give pleasure. Women focus on sensual pleasures rather than genital stimulation techniques and they hope a lover will engage in the more romantic (emotional and companionable) aspects of relationships.
Even a responsive person only seriously focuses on achieving orgasm when they know the circumstances are right. This means that they can achieve the mental arousal required and have the freedom to ensure that the stimulation of the activity can be continued for long enough. Women, even if they are responsive are not aroused with a lover so they approach sex with no real focus on even trying to achieve their own orgasm.
If you ask a woman for explicit details about her sex life, she is embarrassed, defensive and even angry. She thinks you have no right to ask her such personal questions. This contrasts with men’s behaviour. Some men very willingly and proudly supply accounts of the orgasms they believe their partners have as a result of the stimulation men provide.
Women may refer to sex and even orgasm but they dislike providing any explicit detail. But this is essentially what eroticism is. Eroticism is about the explicit details of sexual activity. By refusing to give any detail, women defend themselves against anyone knowing they don’t orgasm. Men never remark on women’s embarrassment over their responsiveness with a lover.
“He’s just using me for sex,” we whine self-righteously. And what are we using him for? A wedding ring? His sperm? (Valerie Harris 2012)