The precedent from Nature is clear. The male is motivated to mate so he is obliged to persuade the female to accept intercourse. Male mammals fight for breeding rights. The female has little choice in the matter. A man needs to be aroused by his lover because he expects to orgasm from sex. A woman must choose a mate from those men who present themselves.
Male mammals stimulate their own and a partner’s genitals. They also much more likely to desire and offer oral stimulation of the genitals. A man’s interest in his own penis comes from his frequent or regular state of arousal. His interest in a lover’s genitals comes from his sex drive. So a man is offended if a woman is unenthusiastic about intercourse or fellatio.
Men enjoy the sensations of arousal when they are erect. Male arousal occurs (at least initially) as an automatic response to hormones. Over time men come to associate arousal with a lover’s presence or specific fantasies. A man’s instinct is to initiate sexual activity with a lover by displaying his erect penis, which communicates his need to be stimulated and his desire to engage in penetrative sex. The male instinct to mark out territory with glandular emissions motivates men to continue thrusting until ejaculation.
Men are responsive so they enjoy the sensations of their own arousal. Men enjoy talking about what turns them on because doing so also causes their arousal. Men enjoy sharing their fantasies with a partner or a potential partner. Women do not do this. Female arousal has always been a mystery.
Frequency of masturbation is an indication of responsiveness. Male masturbation is much more common than female masturbation. Not every man masturbates but on average men masturbate much more frequently than women do. Masturbation frequencies are highest among men who become adolescent first. Around 99% of such men masturbate compared with 93% of men who reach adolescence later than the average (13 years old). Some young men masturbate multiple times a day, every day.
Most men experience orgasm throughout their lives. Whereas women can go months or even years without sexual activity. Typically women engage in sexual activity as a conscious behavioural response to male initiative.
Women are not offended that gay men are not attracted to them. So why do men assume that lesbians hate men? Men are looking for a partner who is amenable to be penetrated. They assume that any woman who doesn’t want intercourse must be frigid, a man hater or a lesbian. A man needs to be confident of having an erection before he wants to engage in sexual activity. He then assumes that his partner will be automatically amenable.
Highly responsive individuals initiate and drive the pace of penetrative sex. A man’s sex drive motivates him to initiate intercourse, which (after the first time) is further positively reinforced by his experience of the pleasures of intercourse. Penetrative sex allows a man to obtain relief from sexual frustration, by releasing sexual tension. He can enjoy the physical gratification of thrusting and the ego of territorial dominance.
Men appreciate the physical: their own body, the body of a lover and physical interaction with a lover. Men are not motivated to spend significant amounts of time with those they love. They prefer following their own pursuits. They may only think of a partner when they need a sexual outlet. If a man only ever touches or kisses a woman because he wants sex, women tend to resent the transparency of this behaviour.
Women want stability but men want their freedom. These two aims can be incompatible. Women do not need regular sex as men do. Neither does a variety of sexual activity, such as oral sex, have the same emotional significance for women as it has for men. Some men appreciate a variety of lovers much more than others. If a man’s sex life is not meeting his erotic expectations, he may want a more attractive partner or more adventurous pleasuring than his wife is willing to provide (such as fellatio).
When a married man uses a prostitute, he can be shamed for cheating on his wife. Our society puts value on sexual loyalty because of the need for men to support a family. But many men see sex as a simple pleasure and not an activity to be limited to one person for life. In this respect women’s view of sex, as a token of commitment and monogamous love, prevails over the male view. This is probably the effect of boys being raised by women, who tend to dominate in the home. Most men grow up accepting that men’s sexual needs are often considered to be offensive by women.
The idea of ‘no-strings attached’ sex is very attractive to most men, gay or straight. (George Michael 2012)