Women conclude that orgasm (like masturbation) is boring and over-rated. This is because they assume it occurs automatically during intercourse or when they stimulate themselves. But this is not orgasm. Even men do not orgasm through physical stimulation alone. Any adult needs some form of mental stimulation that is of an explicitly erotic nature to achieve orgasm.
Vaginal lubrication may indicate that a woman is subconsciously (or sometimes consciously) amenable to sexual activity. Vaginal lubrication facilitates intercourse (and therefore reproduction). It does not indicate that a woman is close to orgasm. Researchers also measure blood flow into the genitals and mistakenly assume this indicates arousal. In reality women are amenable to sex when they feel an emotional connection or when they stand to gain some other non-sexual reward such as ego or money.
Erotic literature emphasises the romantic but also the erotic. But eroticism is portrayed from the male’s view (through the woman’s eyes). So it talks of the woman’s beauty and her sexual attributes in terms that are acceptable to women. Eroticism is a portrayal of sex that represents male turn-ons. Women do not have turn-ons as such because women are not aroused by simple graphic or physical real-world triggers. Women are motivated to have sex by emotional and romantic (or mercenary) drivers. They are only aroused by fantasy during masturbation alone.
One of the key characteristics of orgasm is that it occurs sporadically. This is difficult to appreciate when an individual is highly responsive. It is much easier to see when a person is less responsive. We become aroused because of thoughts, memories or visual/auditory stimuli that cause us to think about sex. For young men, for example, this occurs frequently. So most younger men are already aroused when they have an opportunity for sex.
Given the absence of any explicit explanations from women themselves, men simply assume that women respond more or less exactly as they do. We could say that a man is aroused when he has an erection and when he wants to engage in penetrative sex. So we assume that if a woman is willing to engage in intercourse then she must be aroused. But this is a massive assumption. Researchers also assume that women are motivated to engage in intercourse because they are aroused. Men’s arousal causes them to want to obtain sexual release through thrusting to ejaculation. So we assume women respond in a complementary way by obtaining sexual release through being penetrated.
Any male of any age needs an erection before he can orgasm (a very few men never have erections but they still ejaculate). So an erection is the minimum state of arousal that is required for a man to orgasm. Except for very young boys, males do not generally orgasm spontaneously. Men generally need penile stimulation (once they are erect) to reach orgasm and they also need specific psychological stimuli to trigger orgasm.
Women do not experience erections. Tumescence of the clitoral organ, which is rare, is not connected with conscious arousal. So the key arousal phase for a woman (during masturbation alone), is latching onto the specific sexual thoughts that cause her to orgasm. Likewise, men do not orgasm by thinking about women’s legs, buttocks or breasts. Men need the specific turn-on of penetration or fantasies based on the same.
A woman’s sexual role with a lover is naturally a passive one. The female is a ‘victim’ in the sense that she is always in the position of something sexual (especially penetration) being done to her. She herself cannot penetrate or impregnate a lover. She can only be penetrated and impregnated by a man. A woman can decide to take on a proactive role in sex, by acting out the role of the concubine. She consciously focuses on providing male turn-ons and male stimulation to facilitate male orgasm.
In terms of achieving her own orgasm (through masturbation alone) a woman needs to identify with the male role in sex. A woman cannot be the penetrator in reality, only in fantasy. Penetration involves the idea of ‘doing something’ to someone else. So a woman’s fantasies put her in the male position psychologically. Physically she emulates the male role by thrusting and stimulating the clitoris.
When a man is initially aroused, he has an erection. This does not necessarily mean that he is close to orgasm. Some older men may be able to delay ejaculating with a lover for 20 minutes or longer. But they do this by using conscious control. They are less responsive but they still have to work at controlling the impulse to ejaculate. They do this in order to have an erection available for longer so that they can extend the time they can enjoy penetrating a lover. In order to ejaculate a man has to focus his mind on specific (personal to him) and explicit (involving the genitals) aspects of sexual activity. He also needs to stimulate his penis continuously until he reaches orgasm. If a woman is to achieve orgasm, then she needs to invest at least a similar amount of effort and typically a great deal more.
… sexual response is primarily a function of the nervous system. (Alfred Kinsey 1953)